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So I think I mentioned this in a previous post, but now it’s super-duper-official: we are uprooting ourselves and moving South… in less than a month. Like, in about 2 1/2 weeks, actually. Good-bye harsh winters, year-round farmers’ markets, and real butter – hello Chick-Fil-A, peaches and Country Crock. (No, I won’t be using that ish. I’ll be bringing at least one case of Kerrygold with me, thanks much.)
During the past month or so that we’ve known that this change was coming soon, I’ve made a much more concerted effort than ever before to spend quality time with my here-friends. Whether it be a magnificent locavore dinner with ingredients obtained from the farm that day, a simple stir fry and store-bought chocolate mousse, tea and cake, ice cream, beer and pretzels, or rock climbing and protein bars, I have had more deep, real-life, spiritually edifying conversations in the past month than I had in the 6 before it. Not that life before was a spiritual desert, by any means – but my interaction with the people I care for was fairly limited to our structured, “churchy” activities and group texts. (I could make the “I have a young baby” excuse, but that’s exactly what it is – an excuse – and it only holds a teensy bit of water.) There is more of a sense of urgency in my desire for fellowship now than there was before, now that I’m counting down the days until I leave these dear friends behind… and that makes me very sad. Sad that I was so lazy and selfish with my time before – without even thinking of myself as being lazy and selfish, but more that I underestimated how much time people would actually WANT to spend with me. It grieves me how much closeness I missed out on with truly wonderful people simply because I was too afraid to put myself out there.
Hard lessons to learn later in the game, but better late than never. And I do have plenty of absolutely lovely memories to bring to Georgia with me now.
Fear hasn’t affected only my social/spiritual relationships, either – it’s affected my professional life (or lack thereof). I attempted to launch my own baking business years ago. I had done okay working out of my home kitchen for a while, but I was itching to go public and in my enthusiasm I overlooked a few important things and, well…
(As much as I wanted to be the Road Runner, I think I always ended up looking more like Daffy.)
Five years later, I still find myself retreating to my comfort zone of retail whenever the thought of joining the world of grown-up jobs (or giving my own project another try) seems too risky. Once my husband leaves the Navy, however, I may not have a choice but to acquire a grown-up job, due to the pay cut he’ll be taking to enter the civilian workforce.
All this is a very roundabout way of saying that there are things that, even though I’ve come a long way in trusting God as life has continued, I still struggle with fear and doubt – and the knowledge that in just a few weeks I will be in a completely new state, in a new home, surrounded by new people, having to figure out a new way of doing life, though in some ways exciting, is serving as an amplifier for my fear and doubt.
Father, forgive me for every time I have ever doubted You. I know You will be with me and my family during this transition to a new stage of life, and I thank You.
That’s all for today.